caramelle

2005-01-29T04:52:00.000+02:00

I don't mean to sound self-righteous but if I do, I apologise. I'm just trying to present my facts here in the least unbiased way as possible. And please do take note, that I am also trying to think from his point of view as well.

Though it makes me vulnerable to criticism, I'll be honest here but that doesn't really give you a reason to judge me. I did what I thought was right at the point of time.

An excerpt from a secret entry:
" So when you pulled me down to kiss me (which I knew you were going to), I resisted. I RESISTED. But you forced me down and made me kiss you. And before we came up for air, you warned me with a steely menace underlying your tone, "Don't say anything." So I didn't. And you continued till I came to my senses, grabbed you and said "Hey, let's not do this. That's not the kind of man you are." And then you just shrugged and said "Let's not think about anyone else except us tonight." "

So Tuesday night was a mistake. More so for me than him because even though he had a girlfriend whom he cheated on for me, my feelings were involved. I wish I could walk away and laugh and say that everything is fine, but it's not. I know many people won't believe me when I said I honestly met him with nothing but good intentions but it's true.

I wanted him to tell her the truth because he actually thought he could get away with it scott-free. He asked me why I couldn't just let things be. Why indeed? Because I'm the one left feeling used. Because I am not a whore and will not be made into one.

He was extremely hurting, snide, cold and callous. I was so frustrated by the lack of response that I called up Inez (btw, we have to talk. soon. and I promise it won't be about him this time.) and threatened to tell his girlfriend about it.

He backed down then and pleaded with me not to tell her about it. He wasn't Mr-Big-Player anymore. Seeing him beg was the most gratifying thing I'd ever seen in a very long time.

But oh weak person that I am, I let my feelings intervene but perhaps in this case it was for the better. See, two wrongs don't make a right. And for the oddest reason, my mother's words were ringing in my head the entire time "Show them compassion even if they didn't show you any."

I let him off and he said he'd be eternally grateful. How that was supposed to make me feel better, I really didn't know. We were going to walk out of each other's lives last night. He said he owed me one and that I could always call him anytime I needed anything. He must think I'm naive or something because I would never go to him for help after all that's happened. But at least we didn't leave with any animosity. I hated having to try to hate him.

He kissed me for the last time last night. True, he did try to cop a feel too (especially after all his vehemant protests that he wouldn't cheat on his girlfriend anymore). But that made me laugh because it made me see how he was still very much a boy. And it didn't amount to anything this time around because At least he'd made things clear to me this time around. He never did previously.

Though I feel an extreme sense of loss (which is odd, because how can I lose someone I never had?), I feel kinda relieved and in a strange way, liberated. I feel that we closed it properly this time around instead of leaving it dangling.

So good luck to you browneyedboy. I doubt you'll ever change your bad boy ways, but just don't hurt her too badly because no one deserves to be cheated on to this extent.

Joline says she's tired of all this drama and my theatrics. She's not the only one. I disgust myself plenty too.

I feel like an extremely exhausting phase of my life is over. So to celebrate, I'm closing down this blog, going on a hiatus and opening a new one again (besides, it seems like the whole world and its mother seems to be going on hiatuses). However, please understand that I won't reveal the new url to everybody. I'd like things to be more exclusive this time around.

Till next time,
naddy

2005-01-28T02:23:00.000+02:00

Came back from party at 12-ish. Am having the mother of all headaches now. Gahh.

So the party wasn't so bad once 11 p.m. came. Once they played rnb songs instead of the retro ones, people started dancing lah. Actually I have nothing against retro songs, it's just that it's more difficult to dance to. I mean what, boogie to saturday night fever?

Vaguely recall dancing with Nurul, Priya, Keshia, Charlie, Isaac, some guy from aerospace (at an FMS party??), Reza and that girl from my principles of marketing class. I remember girls trying to run away from a guy in a red shirt whose BO you could smell a mile off. And aha! I remember Isaac slapping me because I wanted to go smoke with Reza. Isaac you slut, I still bear an imprint of your hand on my arm, can? All five fingers, thank you very much.

OMG. I was behaving like such a lout during the party lar. I was nicking cigarettes (not that I didn't have my own, so I really don't know why I did that, lol) and I was stumbling all over the place lah, can. - sinks head into hands and groans - But yes, I was a little depressed and I was just trying to forget about him, okay? It's not a very good excuse but you don't know what I've been through, so shut up.

Then comes 12.15 and Nurul, Priya and Mavis sent me home. I insisted on kissing all the girls (on their cheeks lah pervies. Ooh, btw, I hear a very bad imitation of Madonna and Britney went on. Open-mouthed and there were tongues involved too. Damn, I was outside looking for Serene. SERENE, I BLAME YOU FOR MAKING ME MISS IT! - shakes fist at you-)

So I open the cab door once it reached my house and spot none other than my neighbour Eileen Wee (yes, the actress) walking her dogs.And then I disgrace myself by shouting "HEY ITS EILEEN WEE" and waving merrily at her. God. But she waved back and shouted something about my hair being nice or something.

I asked Hafiizh to call me last night then went upstairs and immediately fell asleep. How very glam. -_________-

It was rather worth the 15 bucks lah. But the ticket is still good for tonight's RnB night. Anyone going? Message me! :D

2005-01-26T13:29:00.000+02:00

To Joline,
I promise I'll try not to be the emotional basketcase you had to comfort not so long ago. It's unfair to my friends, especially you. Nothing is more annoying than someone rubbing their depression off others.

To tell you the truth, I'm numb. I don't really know how to react because I can't believe it happened again. But like I said, I will try to get over it.

I owe too much to you not to even try.

2005-01-25T05:13:00.000+02:00

Am currently talking to the ex online right now. He's hardly online but coincidentally, he always signs in everytime my nicknames are mushy. Today mine was ">> coquette// how can you say, that its too late, to save us now?" .

Oh gawdd.

It describes us so aptly but it wasn't meant to be directed at him. I was listening to Yellowcard's Cigarette and then just copped a line off it. And then he comes online!! -screams into a pillow-

Okay, so I have no idea what he's talking about right now. He's talking about smoking weed (?). How could I have allowed myself to fall in love with a grammatically-incorrect man? What was I thinking?? I plead temporary insanity!

All the other men I've dated were like damn smart can. University, JC and poly students who spoke well. Why the hell did I lower my standards? I disgrace myself sometimes.

Thank you Syed, for keeping me company while he was online. Only you could have calmed my raging nerves with your stoopidity. Kekanda, walaupun adinda amat kecewa menengok kanda begini, dinda amat berterima kasih kepada kekanda. (Don't read too much into it. We were just making fun of each other just now thus the weird nicknames. Might I remind you that I like men and Syed is half-animal. Besides, Syed has found himself a nice, little mate (HAHAHAHAHAH!).)

Okay enough about Syed. The debate is done and over with. I was told I spoke like a bullet train, but I was under the impression debaters spoke that way. Oh well, at least I made sense lah okay. But yes, Zixin, I thought you rawked because you made the most sense out of everyone that day. -applauds you furiously-

So the assignments will be rushing in come February. On the bright side, there's only 5 more weeks after our 2 week holidays are over. Then we (hopefully) get promoted to Year 2. Year 2!! Good golly, we're all 18. Wheee! I can finally go club.

Okay, enough rambling. Retro party this Thursday for all MCMers and FSVians. $15 cover charge, free flow all night. Who wants to gooooo?

2005-01-22T18:31:00.000+02:00

Angie Stone f. Snoop Dogg // I just wanna thank ya

I don't know how it is humanly possible but I still managed to do it all the same. I tripped twice over my own feet in a span of four hours, at the exact same spot, in front of the exact same people who laughed at me when I fell down the first time around.

Feesh. I can never show my face in school again. -___________________-

So I've got blonde and orangey blonde highlights now. My friends seem to like it, but my family doesn't. Will take pictures soon (be patient, damnit). The hair dye job was free of charge because the stylist was a trainee but I had like 5 professional hairdressers fussing over me because my hair was complicated. 3 hours of people touching my hair (I like people to just sorta touch my head ; I can nod off in a couple of minutes. Sadly, nobody ever strokes or runs their fingers through my hair because it'd either be tangled or they'll never find their hand again). Whee! Life doesn't get any better than this.

Riight. So I met Hafiizh today because he wanted to apply for Mass Comm. I was supposed to show him around BUT he woke up at 11.20 when he was supposed to meet me at 11.00. And I thought my being late was bad. Pooh.

And before Syed complains that I didn't talk about meeting him and his significant other (read: Hilyah), I'll just slip it here first. I met Hilyah for the first time. She's very pretty. Quiet, but obviously very maternal. :) Good on ya, brudder.

Debate on Monday. "Media regulations promote freedom more than it hinders it." I'm in the opposition but it's scary all the same. I will be reBUTTing my dear BUTTie FeeOhNa who is a great ASSet to her group. Ahh okay, enough poons (puns).

2005-01-19T15:21:00.000+02:00

So I watched 'Shall we dance?' yesterday, free tix courtesy of Miss Coelho.

The movie was better than I expected it to be. Richard Gere is like damn hot lar. Almost as hot as my dance instructor for sports and wellness (the sexy but grumpy, hip-swivelling Melvin). But NO ONE beats my sex god. And yes, J.Lo is actually quite tolerable in this one although she does have alot of weird, emo facial expressions.

So after yesterday's movie, I was inspired to come to today's dance class and pay attention. For once. Besides, I didn't like the desperate, glazed look on Melvin's face everytime the class started dancing with their partners. HAHAHAHA. Poor sexygrumpyman.

Credit must be given to Elizabeth Low, my pint-sized dancing partner. Since we're both too blur/lazy/bored to pay attention in class let alone count our steps, she has to put up with me flinging her around like a ragdoll. But I think we're improving lah. :
School closes for 2 weeks starting next. No more sexygrumpymelvin for 3 weeks because of CNY. Oh, I is sad. We're learning salsa in the next lesson. Wheee!

Okayokay, I know alot of people have been cringing at my temporary infatuation with Modern Talking. Shuddup. You all have your own temporary bouts of insanity. It's just that I'm brave enough to admit it.

Pooey.

2005-01-17T15:46:00.000+02:00

I have a terrible confession to make. Yes, again.

I have the Modern Talking MegaMix on repeat mode. They sang songs that go like "You're my heart, you're my soul, I keep it shining everywhere I go... You're no good can't you see, brother louie louie louie... Cherry cherry lady, going through a motion... " HAHAHAHAHA. So tacky I know, but I'm hooked.

Joline offered to sponsor me for a free cruise trip to nowhere this weekend because Micheal Learns To Rock will be performing. But I can't go because of the damned debate on monday. Sheet, ferk, merde! I want to goooo! -stomps feet like a spoilt brat.

Okay, have to go find research for debate now. BOO.

2005-01-14T19:17:00.000+02:00

If I were given the option of bethrothing my fair self to either a rich blonde Count with a sword or a dark-haired psycho who lives in a sewer, I'd choose the latter any day. There's just something about bad boys that draws me like a moth to a flame. My numerous fetishes - which range from boobs (on girls lah, silly), chest hair, M-shaped hairlines and smooth voices - now seems to include sneering madmen in leathery white masks. Help, I am such a pervert.

Was extremely excited when the debate started during media in society tutorial. "There is sufficient representation of minorities in Singapore." Syed spoke with such authority and calmness that me, Ming and Fiona could only gape in awe. Sadly, he spoilt the moment when he started to sing an extremely off-key rendition of Taufik Batisah's "I Dream" as the ending to his very impressive speech.

Apparently, the note I passed to Syed during the debate caused quite a ruckus. Let me just clarify things : the note I gave him was in no way related to the content of the debate.

In fact, this was what I wrote...
Me: You were good, until you sang that is. Now Ming, Fiona and I want to marry you. Choose.
Syed: I choose the barney next to me. (He's referring to Anne in this one. Don't ask me why he gives such irrelevant replies. It remains a mystery to me too.)
Me: YOU BITCH.

That's it. Now, let's clear things up so that we can be a happy class once more. Please.

I have to quell the urge to shake you very violently. Your nauseatingcutesywutesyways won't help you get away with what you've done. Stop badmouthing nice, sincere people whose only mistake was to befriend you in the first place. By the way, I can roll my eyes better than you do.

2005-01-09T04:23:00.000+02:00

In a foul mood.

Have gotten back some of my grades this week but am not in the least satisfied. I got a 6/16 for media in society (it's non-assessed though), a D+ for speechcomm and despite studying for 3 days (which is more than I did for the exam), only attained a 17/25 for my principles of marketing. Which is a 68/100. Which is about a C+ I think. Extremely disappointed with self. Must study harder.

What is wrong with me? I've been lazy during the first 4 weeks of school because it was December and really, no one wants to study during the holiday season. But the mood doesn't seem to have lifted any. Help.

Extremely livid with Mr C's remarks. I skip one bloody lesson and he acts like I've murdered his rabbit (which I'm almost tempted to do.) Shut up, old man. We finished more work than what you issued so how can I not be doing my role as a director? And stop comparing Mass Commers and FSV-ians. We're in different courses but it doesn't mean we're inferior or superior to them. So stop with the "FSV students are more hardworking" comments. We work just as hard. -shakes fist at screen-

I seem to have overstrained my thigh muscles during aerobics yesterday. Can't bend knees without screaming. Am also starting to walk bow-legged. Please don't laugh when you see me tomorrow.

2005-01-06T14:13:00.000+02:00

Am being too nasty to the ex. Must stop being so suspicious but can't help it . He's being too nice, too suddenly. Must find out what he really wants but how? I suspect something evil lurking. Will try to be nice to him without compromising dignity. Note: the keyword here is try.

The principles of marketing group went ahead and did the project without me knowing. It's not that we're arguing or anything. It's just really hard to plan a meeting time with such different timetables. Now I feel bloody guilty.

Can someone please tell me if we're allowed to download songs anymore?

[edit] Post edited out of fear that it will offend some. I'm not one to take chances anyway.

Am in gracomm class now. Should be paying attention but can't. I'm so bloody lackadaisical it's amazing. Medisoc and marketing quiz later. BOO. [/edit]

2005-01-01T14:49:00.000+02:00

I feel bad for the sheesha cos she had such a horrible birthday.

Fought with the mother yesterday on the phone, drenched to the bone, while at the ngee ann bus stop. I knew alot of people were looking but I really didn't care at that point of time.

I don't want to go into details but let's just say that she wanted to cancel my sister's birthday celebrations because she didnt want her boyfriend and his two kids to be kept waiting. Which to me, was incredibly stupid because

1) it was my sister's birthday
2) it's not like we didn't want to be there. We did. It's just that I was rushing the Gracomm assignment that's why I was late. I'd also put my phone to silent so I didn't hear it ring.
3) why was her boyfriend and his family even there anyway? it should be a family outing. Why should they be there when my sister didn't bring Rizal along.

Oh okay, it looks like I have gone into detail when I didn't want to. Oh sod it, I don't really care. So we were screaming at my mother at the bus stop, soaked to the skin and sobbing too.

I missed sheesha's birthday celebration - which the mother eventually didn't cancel because I told her to stop being such a selfish b*tch. I wanted to go for sheesha but was scared I wouldn't be able to keep my temper or tears under control.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I'm still looking forward to the day I can leave and get my own apartment.

______________________________________________

So the ex called me last night under the pretext of wanting us "to forget all hostilities between [us]" and to wish me a happy new year. He also apologised for his behaviour, etc.

So why don't I feel any better?

Because he was sniggering throughout the entire conversation, that's why.
How fucking insincere.

He asked why I couldn't treat him like I would a friend. After all that's happened, after all I've been through, I have to turn around and be civil to you when you treated me like you would have any two-bit whore.

Him: "I just wanted to wish you a happy new year. Good luck in school and all."
Me: "Ok."
Him: "That's it?"
Me: "Yeah, what do you want me to say?"
Him: "Wish me back lar."
Me: "I can't. I'm sorry. If I did, it'd sound insincere because I'd be insincere."

Ok fine, I won't start the year on such a negative note. But it infuriates me that he thinks he can get what he wants whenever he wants.

_______________________________

So Hendrix wasn't too bad last night. Bumped into Nana and Naz last night. I did dance with Fiona but she left early and I'd rather die than dance alone. The bouncers were especially vigilant with our group because we were underaged. One of Maria's friends tried to buy a drink for me and almost got kicked out. Bleh.

Besides, Hendrix seemed to be full of slimy-looking weasels who got a high from perving at girls showing a little butt cleavage. -shakes fist furiously.

Don't worry Kesh & Maria, I did have fun. I was just a little quiet because I was just erm, contemplating my goals in life. Hurhur. I do think about stuff other than boobs and dancing, okay.

But yes, I'm trying to start my life anew. I've got my own list of resolutions but I won't tell you so that you won't laugh at me when I don't get them fulfilled at the end of this year.

2004-12-31T01:22:00.000+02:00

To the girl I have idolised (and harboured some resentment for being beautiful AND multi-talented) all my life:

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY, SHEESHA!
I luv yew. <3

Oh stop drooling already.

So despite 2004 being a pretty shitty year, there has been some good which came out of it. Now I know that she'll stick by me through hard times having been there herself. And I know she loves me so much that she's willing to ask her big thug of a boyfriend to beat up my big jerk of an ex-boyfriend.

Hurhur. So goodbye horrid 2004, hello 2005. Hopefully you'll be a much better year than the last.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

2004-12-28T13:32:00.000+02:00

So little time, so many assignments to do.

Oh alright, that's not really true. I'm just a lazy slut who left her assignments to the last minute so now I have to try making up for lost time.

Joline, I miss you. You'd better have brought home a handsome Aaron Kwok look-alike from Hong Kong for me.

For updates, you can try visiting Maria's blog. That girl is amazing. She finds time to have relationships, juggle schoolwork and still comes to school looking fabulous. The world is unjust. Nehneh.

So toodle-oo people. It's back to the Graphic Communications assignment for now. Boo.

2004-12-19T11:28:00.000+02:00

So I bumped into the ex yesterday while at McDonalds. His hair was dyed a shade much too garish for him and there seemed to be nothing left of the browneyedboy whose children I once wanted to bear (don't laugh).

And yet, as much as I hate to admit it, he still had an effect on me. My hands shook so badly I had to stop and light up and even then I was still shaking as if I was suffering from Parkinson's.

How do I continue living the rest of my life, scared to visit places that we once used to go to together just because he might be there? How do I go through the rest of my life, furious, hurt and needing an explanation but knowing I'll never be getting one?

I can't hate him. I know I should - things would be so much easier then - but I just can't.

And I know alot of people are disappointed with me but you see, I'm acting out of desperation. Perhaps smoking is a temporary escape but I'm clutching at straws here. Anything just so I can forget about this shit. Even if only for a little while.

2004-12-14T14:17:00.000+02:00

From listening to nyonyas pretending to be lecturers (you matters, yes?) to posing around the atrium with our very hi-tech cameras pretending to shoot something on film to pretending to give seminars on "How to meet and keep a man" to staunch christians, defensive feminists, aggressive aunties and apathetic teenagers.

School has just helped me to forget everything and everyone who has been troubling me.

And what a huge relief it is to wake up in the morning and actually look forward to school. I always used to wonder what if I'd never left MI? Would I be taking my 'A' levels? Would me and he-who-shall-not-be-named still be together?

But now I don't wonder anymore.

Because if not for Mass Comm, I'd probably have missed out on so many wonderful people, the rushing to meet deadlines, the coming to school looking like the walking dead.

Memories I'd never give up, not for a million dollars.

And yes, I'll be alright as long as you're there for me. Promise me we'll never fight, ever?

And thank you Syed for the lecture on the smoking. I'll cut down. (But I was never addicted in the first place, can?)

2004-12-14T14:14:00.000+02:00

School is the only place where I can forget my problems, sorrows and woes.

If only for a little while, if only for a little while.

2004-12-11T10:59:00.000+02:00

Shoot the messenger

So you scream at me, say the most hurtful things I've ever heard. And then you call me up when I leave the house in tears, begging me to come home so you can apologise. And when I do, you completely ignore me.

Atuk would cry if he saw this.

2004-12-10T13:35:00.000+02:00

Thank you for your well-wishes.

But more importantly, thank you Maria, Yihan and Fiona for coming all the way down to Bugis on the off-chance you might catch me there. I know I didn't get to but I felt better knowing you guys cared.

And thank you Syed for doing your friday prayers at the Sultan Mosque to pay your last respects to my grandfather. I know Boon Lay to Bugis isn't a very easy trip to make. You didn't have to, but you did and I am so very very touched. <3

I appreciate every gesture made, be they small or big. Thank you everyone.

"You think I'd leave your side baby,
You know me better than that,
You think I'd leave you when you're down on your knees,
I wouldn't do that.

When you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in
I will show you you're so much better than you know
When you're lost, and you're alone, and you can't find your way back again,
I will find you darling and bring you home. " - Sade's "By your side"

2004-12-09T18:30:00.000+02:00

This year has been a particularly painful one for me.

So many horrid memories I'd love to wash away.

Such as my mother being carted off to hospital. The ex's sms saying "Don't worry I won't see you anymore too." Me crying on my birthday because I lost him a week from that day. A childhood friend telling me "He doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore."

And I have a new one to add. Having to make the decision on whether to keep my grandfather on life support, making the decision to pull the plug and then watching him take his last ragged breath before passing away.

I don't exactly understand how they could have made such a decision in such a short period of time but they tell me its what you would have wanted and who am I to argue? I know I haven't exactly been a model granddaughter but I hope you heard what I was saying just now in the hospital room. I just thank God you're not in pain anymore and hope you're in a much better place. I love you atuk. You'll always be remembered in my prayers.

I know I've been rather depressed and needy the past few days but this time I'm not asking for support or kind words. I really would just like to be left alone the next few days. Thank you for understanding.

Things I write on my blog should never be used against me. I'd rather you not know anything about me than know too much about me. If you're going to insist on doing so, I'll just go on another hiatus, open up another blog somewhere and just keep it pivate. Please don't make me do that.

2004-12-08T14:15:00.000+02:00

This entry might sound a little self-absorbed; forgive me.

In speech communication class yesterday, we had to write one thing we wanted the lecturer to know about us. Some wrote about their passions and their hobbies. I wrote about my inability to accept criticism, even constructive ones, well.

It's a problem which has been even more apparent during the past few days. Syed wanted to tell me what Mr. Lo said about my failing marketing. I told him I didn't want to know anything, forbade him from telling the others and even beat him up a little for asking Mr. Lo such things behind my back.

It's not that I'm too weak to handle criticism. I knew what was wrong with my grades, I just didn't need Syed to confirm it.

In my own delusional world, my marketing grades were a fluke. This isn't to say that I'm going to repeat what I did last semester and try barely scraping through. I've woken up enough to at least try and excel in marketing this time around.

And please don't think that I blame you or anything, Syed. I know it's just your really weird way of showing that you care.

Much thanks to Syed, Maria and Yihan for accompanying me to the door on the first day. Acts of encouragement like those mean alot more to me than you could ever imagine.

2004-12-02T10:08:00.000+02:00

Congratulations to me.

I have become a groupie. A lemming. Shazila's enthusiasm really does rub off on you after some time.

So we cheered last night, we danced in the aisles and we screamed ourselves hoarse. We also appeared on last night's news in Suria proclaiming our love for Taufik, got approached by a representative for BMG who asked us to appear in Taufik's music video and may be quoted in today's New Paper.

My apologies to the girls for not quite being as enthusiastic as they were at first but I SHY LAR.

We saw many celebrities like that fat woman from Achar!, Sharon Au, Irene Ang (who supported Taufik too!), Rui En (Ian, eat your heart out.) and the very, very, hot Khairuddin Shahrom. -drools.

But then hor, I heard he's gay. Chey. So wasted.

Ooh yes, I sat only 2 rows in front of Kesh & Charlie (whom I've just realised bears a startling resemblance to sylvester sim)! I kept nipping to the back to disturb them when it was time for a commercial break. Hehh.

And of course, such a gorgeous night could not have happened without Shazila, Anna and Nana, so thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart for bringing me along.

And yes! Taufik won! My 40 smses didn't go to waste after all. The only thing I have to worry about is stashing away the monthly handphone bill before my mom finds it. Heh.

2004-11-30T10:01:00.000+02:00

I've tried to be civil to you. I've tried hard to not pin blame on you. I've tried not to think badly of you. Damnit, I tried being your friend at first.

But you always manage to infuriate me.

Ah yes, you're gorgeous, I'll grant you that. I always tried to console myself with the fact that looks fade. That I was more eloquent and more charismatic than you. That you were nothing more than a pretty face, albeit one all guys lusted after in school, but nonetheless, nothing more than a pretty face.

So what if you could wear anything you want and still knock every other girl dead. So what if I got into mass comm - the course you so badly wanted to get into - and you barely passed your 'O' Levels. You've just proved you're more accomplished than I am. You managed to make me doubt the people I loved most in this world. You've managed to make me doubt myself and you shattered all confidence in me. The same confidence my friends have been trying so hard during the past weeks to rebuild.

And it's unfair to let one piddling remark from you destroy all those hours they've listened to me cry. Because this time, I'm not going to let you win. I'll turn out better than you, just wait and see.

& I don't know what to think anymore. It hurts that I can't talk to you like I used to. It hurts that you're not there when you promised to be.

2004-11-29T14:19:00.000+02:00

Good news! I'm going to the Singapore Idol finals with Shazila this wednesday! The bad news is, I have been overeating the past few days and probably now weigh about as much as a small elephant.

Oh how will Taufik ever notice me at this rate?

& I don't care if his stick insect of an ex was an ex-mass commer thereby making her MY senior. She's still a bitch. Listing his bad qualities to the papers was a really dirty move. But then it just shows the kind of person you are, doesn't it?

& he's got the picture below taped to his locker. Oh so sweet. :]

2004-11-28T13:40:00.000+02:00

Here's proof that dates consisting of madcap driving, badly-aimed pictures, sandy foot rubs & walking together alone at midnight will amount to much more fun than you'd ever expect to have.

Men with driver's licences are so attractive, don't you think? ;)

& thank you for the lovely evening.

2004-11-26T05:58:00.000+02:00

I got my reply from J.Lo yesterday night.

So apparently me repeating principles of marketing was due to my "poor performance in the exam". I'm kinda peeved though. It seems as if me working my ass off for the templates the ENTIRE semester doesn't matter. And peer evaluation doesn't seem to amount to much either.

Oh alright.

It's all my fault I admit, but in my current state, you'd do well not to agree with me. What baffles me though is that I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE REPEATING IT.

WILL NO ONE ELSE BE THERE TO SHARE MY UNFORTUNATE FATE WITH ME?

I don't want to return next semester for this exact reason. The good thing is: my cousin who is from the other cohort will be taking principles of marketing next semester. The bad thing is: my cousin who is from the other cohort will be taking principles of marketing next semester.

Oh bloody hell.

Desperate times like these call for chick flicks, chocolates and lots of retail therapy. The last of which I can't quite indulge in because I am dead broke. How on earth does money slip through your fingers so quickly? I haven't even bought anything for school yet!

Bleargh. But thank god for the busy weekend ahead. At least it won't leave me any time to be depressed. :

2004-11-22T16:30:00.000+02:00

HARI RAYA PICTURES!

My siblings and I.

The LOVELY Shazila turned up for the party. Who is Shazila, you ask? I'm an avid fan of her blog and we've been IM-ing each other regularly for the past year. So yesterday was the first time I could actually meet her in person. AND SHES JUST GORGEOUS.

By the way, it's her birthday tomorrow.

HAPPY SEVENTEENTH BEBEH!

Horribly unglam picture of me but because it's one of the few pictures I have of me and shaz, I'll post it up.

-

"Sing, otherwise I'll have you for my breakfast you miserable excuse for a bird."

-

In the cab on the way to Syed's house.

Posing just before we eat Syed's mother's yummy mee soto.

The fan wreaks havoc on my hair.

Sated, we head over to Syed's PINK room.

Making small talk.

Me: "I lift weights for upper body strength."
Syed: "Huh, then why still so fat?"

"I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT TO MY FACE, BITCH."

Maria and I share a cab home. Tired, but happy.

And so, marks the end of my photo frenzy. Hope you guys enjoyed the pictures. Credits go to the lovely Miss Maria for patiently uploading them. MUCHLOVE.

2004-11-22T15:42:00.000+02:00

Sleepover Pictures!

Welcome to mah crib.

Us at the back garden.

Slightly damp from our bath.

Doesn't the sofabed they're sitting on look like a dais? Do I hear wedding bells? JENG JENG JENG.

"Bloody hell, your computer so many virus."

"If I lie down like this, my tummy evens out."

Sexy Syed getting ready for bed. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sneaky Maria took pictures of us while we dozed.

She's just so pretty lah. Even when it's the first thing in the morning.

Breakfast at Nadiah's.

My brother finds a mate in Syed.

"I don't want to go home either."

Maria and Syed in the bus on the way home.

[edit] Because I posted that *lovely* picture of Sexy Syed in a Singlet, he threatens to pursue legal action. So to make it even, I'll make a horribly embarassing confession. Syed saw me asleep with my mouth open and tongue lolling out. So there. We're even now. Happy, Syed? [/edit]

2004-11-22T14:51:00.000+02:00

post-party and pre-party pictures!

"WE WANNA PARTAYE!"

Me trying to catch a glimpse of Taufik Batisah [whom Syed claims he looks like]. Check out the hordes of fans queuing up behind me.

Us waiting for Jon. Syed loves to do this behind my back whenever we take pictures.

MANIVA MINERAL WATER approached me to endorse their product.

Syed got jealous then and tried to show he's a better model than I am. Phooey.

Me and my love.

Ian joined us not long after.

We joined Kesh at the chalet.

My cup runneth over, no? & see how cute Kesh looks in here! Yumyumyum.

Other mass commers!

Us at the hawker centre after the party.

Sorry laaa. I know that we didn't take much pics of the party but me and Kesh didn't dance too much anyway. We weren't really familiar with the other people at the party which explains our awkwardness. But at least I got to dance with my bee-yatch!

& now, on to the sleepover!

2004-11-18T08:20:00.000+02:00

MY way of getting over trauma is to fall sick.

And right on track, I've fallen sick again. Fever, a head that feels like its about to explode and green mucus that doesn't seem to stop flowing. But come hell or high water, nothing's going to stop me from the Virgin Suicides party this saturday. I'm gonna party like it's my birthday.

Thank you for enquiring as to how I am. I fluctuate between feeling depressed and suicidal but I'm fine just as long as I'm preoccupied and kept away from sharp objects.

So yes, judging by how fast gossip runs on the mass comm grapevine, you heard right. I do have to repeat principles of bloody marketing. Oh yay. Another semester of j.lo. As if I needed another setback in my life. Really.

Don't call me your friend if you don't have the sensitivity to be tactful or discreet. Don't pretend to be there when you're not. Because I have enough people like you in my life and I'd rather not waste my time.

2004-11-11T14:17:00.000+02:00

I pleaded with him to think it over.

"Surely, if you'd loved me as much as you claimed to, you wouldn't have gotten over me in such a short period of time."

Sometimes people need a change, he said. Then he kissed me.

You tell me what the hell I'm supposed to think when what he says and does contradicts each other.

I had nothing but the best intentions at heart. I made myself vulnerable to the one person who could hurt me and hurt me, he did. He threw my feelings back into my face. I feel extremely lousy. And horribly used.

But he's a man and no man should ever be trusted, you say. Well, he didn't use to be this callous jerk. This was not the man I fell in love with.

And yes Joline, I know I shouldn't be defending him but I'm not defending the asshole that he's become. I'm defending the tender and loving boyfriend who made me dizzy with his kisses and who would patiently listen to me cry about my mother at 3 a.m. in the morning even though he had school in a few hours time.

But I don't know where that man has gone. I don't know how he suddenly became so heartless and uncaring. I don't know why he's stopped loving me.

Joline's been doing overtime in her duties as best friend. I know I shouldn't bother her what with her O's and all. & Joline, I am so very grateful that you bother to listen to me crying day in and day out. If, no, WHEN, I get over this, it will mostly be in part to you.

I've done many things I should be ashamed of. But nothing ashames me more than the fact that I have to ask Inez and Farhana to forgive me for not telling them the truth from the start. You guys have known me since I was 7 and I shouldn't have thought something like this would have influenced your opinion of me.

But I was just so scared of being judged.

Don't tell me to start dating again because I have (and barely lived to tell the tale.)

Just don't judge me or make any assumptions based on what I did because everything I did was an act of love.

I don't know why I should even care at all. It's times of turmoil like these that you realise who you'll truly be growing old with and you know what? It's not that boy you're making out with. Its your friends.

And I just thank God that so many of them have come forward to offer me their support, kind words and love.

You, my dear, may not think I'm good enough to be with you but I have something more valuable than you'll ever have. I have friends who will stay with me and watch me fall in love over and over again.

And you'll realise that no girl on earth could have loved you as much as I did. You'll realise that you were right when you thought I was the one you'd probably end up marrying because no girl could have offered you unconditional love like I did.

But it'd probably be too late for us by then. And this scenario doesn't fill me with hope at having been able to exact my revenge or prove my worth. Instead, it fills me with a profound sorrow that this is what we have become. This is what it has come to.

How could something so beautiful have turned out so unpleasant in the end?

2004-11-05T05:46:00.000+02:00

An update you want?

My sister has run away last sunday and hasn't come home since.

My mom and her are still not on talking terms.

I've just cut my hair really short. Big Mistake. Think Orphan Annie.

I am having diarrhea which is making me run to the toilet every ten minutes.

Which is not good because I'm supposed to be working for my mother.

As a receptionist slash slave girl.

She says, "It's ten o clock and I don't know what to do with you already."

I dream about him almost every night so much so that it has almost become an obsession.

So I decided to ring him up and talk and bared my heart to him.

And then I find out he's seeing a few other girls. (GASP. THE AUDACITY.)

So I've now decided to stop being such a grandmother and to go out with more people.

Yes people, I am free, single and available (though not very sane at the moment.)

So bring me out boys. I'm going to get over him if its the last thing I do.

p.p.s. HOW DARE HE????

2004-10-29T15:39:00.000+02:00

"And I'm not sorry,
I'm not your bitch, don't lay your shit on me."

-Madonna "Human Nature"

I know how everyone says that I'm really lucky to have a mother who looks more like a sister and acts more like a best friend. I know many envy the way I can talk to my mother without censoring my words.

But what if I needed a mother and not a girlfriend?

Thank you Syed for your attempts at cheering me up. It's not your fault at all. It's just really bad timing.

2004-10-28T09:25:00.000+02:00

NEW LAYOUT UP!

& if any of you complain about this one like you did the marilyn monroe one, I'll kill you, I swear.

*smiles sweetly*

ENJOY!

2004-10-28T01:02:00.000+02:00

[edit] NEW PICTURES ADDED! [/edit]

It's 06.03 a.m. now and Maria the Mad Woman hasn't slept a wink since I sent her home at midnight. What did we do the entire day? We went shopping for a certain someone's birthday present.

Met at 6.30 p.m last night and headed to Banquet near Raffles Hospital to break my fast. Because we were sitting outside, we couldn't hear the prayers which they were playing inside on the radio. Maria asked me how I was going to tell when it would be okay to break my fast then and I said, "Oh, just see other people lor. If other Muslims eat then I also eat lar."

Unfortunately, a makcik sitting at the table beside us must have had the same thought as I did. When she saw Maria sipping her sarsi, she immediately assumed that it was okay to eat. She was about to drink her water until I shrieked at her "Eh Aunty, NO, DON'T EAT! My friend isn't Malay!".

See Maria? You're a hazard.

Went to Bugis after that. Bought this cool pair of dangly gold earrings and they look so bling bling, yo. Love them!

Yalah, I know the pics are bloody blurred but I don't have a digicam. Shut up and make do.

Made a few rounds around Bugis Market then went to Long John's Silver to stuff ourselves silly with fries.

Barely able to walk, we somehow made our way back to TOPSHOP. I saw an African guy who looked exactly like that black guy from the White Chicks (see below) and nudged Maria excitedly. "Eh, look, nigger!" (like ohmygawd, I said the "n" word!)

I don't know whether it was because he overhead me saying that or because he was so transfixed by our beauty (I'd like to think it's the latter) but he decided to stalk us. And he made it really obvious too. He stared at us really blatantly with this amused (some might say maniacal) smile, he'd stop whenever we did, hung around till we got moving again and then would follow again some distance behind. I honestly don't think he intended us harm because he didn't approach us or anything. Yes, some of you may have found it scary but I was so pumped with adrenaline, man.

We finally managed to lose him when we ducked into a girl's toilet. Whee!

Headed to Geylang because the night was still young. Got really pissed when all the vendors addressed me as "kak" (something you'd use to address someone whom you think is older than you). BAH. Bought my deng deng too. Oh, Maria got disturbed by alot of mats who'd holler and advertise their "DENGDENGDENG" especially loud whenever she passed by. (Kanina, next time I don't bring her.) Walked the entire length of Geylang. In our heels. Not an easy task I assure you.

Was supposed to send Maria to the MRT station but the last train was gone. So my Daddy sent Maria back home all the way in Jurong East and then me to Bedok Reservoir. So sweet. I heart my Daddy.

Okay, I'm tired. Will go to sleep.

p.s. I know. Damn anti-climax right? But shut up lar. I only had 2 hours of sleep, CAN?

2004-10-25T06:44:00.000+02:00

It's 12.44 PM and I've just woken up. I'm slightly pissed but a little happier than yesterday though. I was supposed to go out today but it was cancelled. And you know how desperate I am to go out these days. So I was complaining to my mum about my lack of a social life.

Me: Ma, I need a life lah.
Mom: That's why I recommended Paul. I thought you were sinking into the doldrums. Hehehehehehe!

Good lordy, Miss Molly! It's official: My mom is more happening than I am and thinks I am sinking into the doldrums. For god's sakes, I don't even know what doldrums are.

And for those of you who are wondering who Paul is, he's this 25 year old caucasian guy my mum is trying to matchmake me with. He's really annoying though. He keeps asking me out every 10 minutes. I ran out of ways to say no so I just blocked him. MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

I think I am the only person on earth who gets the stupidest songs on earth stuck in her head. Like right now, that song in The Mask where Jim Carrey dons a sombrero and dances with the SWAT team, is currently on repeat.

"They call me Cuban Pete, I'm the king of the rhumba beat. When I play my maracas I go chik chikky boom chik chikky boom chik chikky boom. Yes sir, I'm Cuban Pete! I'm the craze of my native street. When I try to dance everything goes chik chikky boom chik chikky boom chik chikky boom!"

At this point of time, the only thing I have to look forward to is the bbq. Oh yay, I can't wait!

p.s. I'm looking for someone to go out with me to Geylang to buy dengdeng and ogle at minah jambus. If any of you are interested, please message me. Be warned though: You have to be mentally and physically ready to face the crowd, elbow any cheeky banglas who try to get a quick grope and step on the toes of mat tapereds just because they're so freaking ugly. I'm free anytime.

2004-10-24T11:49:00.000+02:00

"Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds;
Dreaming allowed.
Things just won't do without you,
Matter of fact.
I'm on your back.(x2)

If you'd accept surrender, give up some more;
Weren't you adored?
I cannot be without you,
Matter of fact.
I'm on your back. (x2)

If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you.
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you.

Another heart is cracked,
In two.
I'm on your back.

I cannot be without you,
Matter of fact.
I'm on your back. (x2)

If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you.
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you. "

Foo Fighters's Walking After You is on repeat. Don't ask.

Do you want to know why I can't bring myself to talk to you? Because it hurts too fucking much, that's why.

My baby girl's birthday is coming this saturday. And soon after is Fiona's. Not forgetting the class bbq thingy. I am going to be so broke. ARGH.

I have absolutely no raya mood this year. Then again, it's been fast fading ever since the parents decided to get a divorce 3 years ago. I miss my childhood.

I don't like this aimless feeling I get when there's nothing to occupy my time & no one to occupy my mind.

2004-10-20T08:03:00.000+02:00

So the marketing exam was a total bomb. I've been quite down the past few days because I know I will most definitely fail the damn paper. I'd already gotten a D so I need more than a pass for this paper - WHICH I WILL DEFINITELY NOT GET.

It's like the bloody "O" Levels again.

2004-10-20T07:27:00.000+02:00

Pictures posted to cheer me up.

T106 after the marketing exam. Poor Evey looks like she's trying to avoid being suffocated in my hair.

Me and the lovely Miss Keshia.

My sweethearts. <3 See how happy I look when they're near me? & yes, I just re-dyed my hair. It's supposed to be dark brown by now but it still looks reddish. :(

Really, we could go on taking pictures of ourselves forever.

Me and mah homies at Far East Square where me and Syed broke our fast later on.

Holidays are here and I love not having to worry about assignments and finally being able to breathe for once since July.

But I love my madcap class even more. I miss you guys already.

2004-10-15T07:47:00.000+02:00

PICTURES!

Me & a REAL African girl we found at CineLeisure. And I daresay, my hair's poofier than hers.

Notice how all the females in my family have reddish hair?

It's natural, babes. *flips hair*

Hurr, I wish.

[edit] I'm done with flash. I had such grand ideas but it was so complex that I finally gave up and told myself to be happy with a piece of work that looks like everyone else's. & you wonder why some people don't have any ambition. [/edit]

2004-10-13T05:53:00.000+03:00

I got my first D.

And I'm none too pleased.

But a "D" is still a pass, you say. As Jules would say "D [is] for donkeyballs" Lau, J. 2004. Retrieved October 13, 2004 from http://educatedguess.blogspot.com/

Okaylaar. It's my fault for not studying hard enough. But the thing is, I was never booksmart to begin with. WHICH IS THE REASON WHY I CAME TO POLY. And to have to study such a thick book is bloody intimidating, can? Especially when you throw in all those cheem marketing terms.

But if you paid attention during lectures you'd pass, you retort. Probably but I have trouble concentrating in the lecture hall because there's always this weird strong smell which reminds me of wet panties being aired in air con.

Don't ask me how I know how wet panties which are being aired in air con smell like. I JUST KNOW, OKAY?

Back to seriousness, I have one last chance to pull up my marketing grade next monday. So I really will have to hit the books. Which is a really rare ocurrence.

Somebody, check that hell hasn't frozen over.

PARTY!

2004-10-11T10:26:00.000+03:00

Attention all year 1 film and media studies students:

Okaylah. I'll admit. At moments like these, it is kinda fun to be a mass commie. Look lah, even the posters are like, damn cool lor. You even have to bring your student card along to show you're a mass commie or fsvian.

Ohmygod, I'm like so excited. Why? Because contrary to popular belief, we mass commers don't really do much partying at all. In fact, I haven't done any partying ever since HopNite which was in July. Or the FMS Party if you can even call it one.

& would you believe it, none of my friends ever want to go clubbing with me! So all I do is stay at home on saturday nights feeling sorry for myself. Boo hoo.

So this is the time when I put my foot down and MAKE MY FRIENDS GO to the party. Maria, I'll even drag you to east coast by your hair if I have to.

So message me people, if you wanna go. I am in dire need of a social life. It'd be so fun if we go together-gether, no?

2004-10-09T10:27:00.000+03:00

So the semester has almost come to a close. I've made friends and probably some enemies but most importantly, I have memories to sustain me.

Jonathan, Fiona, Maria, Yihan and I had a picnic at the weirdest of places at the weirdest of times last night. Even Fiona broke her rules and stayed till the very end. Hooray for Fiona!

We danced like fairies gone mad, fed ourselves to the fullest, asked the dirtiest of questions, posed for pictures in the dark and probably for the first time, truly bonded with each other.

All facades were dropped last night and we were truthful with each other. I think we finally felt at ease because in Mass Comm, everybody suspects everybody else. True, we have more fun than almost any other course but we work harder and we also have to constantly watch our backs. Mass Comm ain't all glamour. It's blood, sweat and tears too.

I'm having the time of my life. And thank you all for that.

2004-10-05T14:20:00.000+03:00

I just came back after meeting Joline and Leslie (my two girlfriends, heh) whom I'd missed like kerayzee because our schedules never allowed us to meet up much. We decided to eat at Long John's Silver at Bedok Interchange to catch up with one another.

So we were done with eating and were just chatting and joking amiably when out of nowhere comes this group of blonde tapered mats replete with garish tattoos, piercings and skinny hairy legs. One of them even had an ugly minah attached to his arm.

Okay, so we were minding our own business and still chatting amongst ourselves. They left us alone at first but after that, they started turning around to look at me!

Initially, I thought it was because my cleavage was showing or something but it wasn't. I was actually pretty modestly dressed.

I don't know what they were staring at but I would have been okay with it if they'd taken a few discreet glances. The stupid buggers obviously needed lessons in subtlety. They started staring and everytime I glared back, they'd avert their eyes as if they were looking at something else.

Fine, I thought. Leave them alone and they'll leave you alone. Hah! I wish. They then started to become really, really noisy especially when I took a picture of Joline with my camera phone. They too took out all their handphones and started fiddling with them. Suddenly, one of them said really loudly "Eh, cockroach!" As I turned to look, ONE OF THEM TOOK A PICTURE OF ME WITH HIS HANDPHONE CAMERA.

How do I know? I have the same handphone model and I recognised the sound of the click it makes when you take a picture. So there I was, livid but not daring to do anything. Joline and Leslie also couldn't do much. I mean, we couldn't jolly well walk over and demand for them to hand over their handphone, could we?

Joline suggested leaving but I refused. I didn't want our good time to be disrupted because of these callous boors.

But no, they didn't know when to leave well enough alone. Instead of pretending to fiddle with their handphones while actually taking photos of me, one of them turned around, aimed his camera carefully and BLATANTLY took another photo of me.

ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.

I screamed like a banshee, tore off all my clothes to reveal rippling muscles and pulverized them one by one with my bare hands.

Hah, I wish.

Instead, I meekly got up, packed up my things and headed for the door.

Yes, cowardly I know. But 3 guys and 1 ugly minah against 2 girls and 1/2 a man? (just kidding Leslie, you know I love you...) The odds were not stacked in our favour.

So here I am left with alot of resentment bottled up still. I wish I could have done something. I wish I could have had the courage to stand up and asked them what the fuck they were doing. But I'm not the confrontational type. I'm too emotional and would probably break down halfway.

I feel extremely violated. And helpless.

2004-10-03T14:12:00.000+03:00

2004-10-02T20:26:00.000+03:00

So I got a B for webgraph. Congratulations to me. Heh. Not a big feat really especially since 70% of the class got As and above. Bleh. *shakes fist furiously at screen*

But it's okay cos I expected to fail anyway. Mr Harvey was *sighs dreamily* really nice. He said half of my test was gone because I didn't save it properly *whacks head against wall*. But he said he marked me really leniently because I'd been doing "reasonably well" before this test. Tell me lah, how can you think him mean after he does something like that? Oh I am such a loser. I have crushes on my lecturers. Hooray for me.

Just came back from Cineleisure. I watched White Chicks with my mom and brother. Effing funny lar I tell you. Turns out Maria watched the same movie at the same place in the same row but at a different time slot for mine. Like I could so totally swear we have this kind of mental connection!

Anyway, White Chicks comes highly recommended. Go watch it! :) Oh yes mom finally brought us shopping today. I bought earrings, a bag, a ring and hair dye. Woot! I haven't gone shopping in such a long time. I felt slightly down when I saw everybody coupled up in Orchard Rd. Then again, it's my fault because I refuse to go out with everyone. It just feels weird somehow. I'm too domineering for most men to handle. But doesn't it just mean I can fend for myself? That I won't be too dependant on you? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU FICKLE MEN!

p.s. But its okay cos I scan always immerse myself with thoughts of Mr Harvey. *smiles dreamily*
p.p.s. HE IS NOT GAY LAR.
p.p.p.s. is he?

2004-10-02T19:56:00.000+03:00

Finally the IAC project is done. Only after much chasing and hounding on my part. It just makes me mad that I am portrayed as the bad guy when all I am trying to do is save all our asses here. And unfortunately, he has the gift of the gab. So when he spoke during our presentation, he spoke with so much confidence (though most of it was pure bullshit), somehow conveying the message to everyone that he was the one doing all the work. I was so furious that I started stuttering and mumbling throughout the presentation.

Oh, there is no justice left in this cruel world.

And yes, I'd also like to warn you, dear C, that I am extremely livid with you. Please do not try to blame Yihan for petty little things when you know he has a MUCH MUCH stronger case against you. I'd also like to remind you that the girls of T106 are extremely protective of Yihan so try anything funny and you're likely to find an angry mob outside your door, ready to cut off those balls that you suffocate under all those tight pants.

And kindly do not address the third button of my blouse when I am telling you off. Bitch.

2004-09-30T20:56:00.000+03:00

Today was the last social psychology tutorial. Boo hoo bloody hoo. I'll miss it like hell.

I shouldn't be blogging now. Syed would kill me if he knew because I'm still not done with the principles of marketing report due at 1700 hours today. But here I am anyway. *waves hi to Syed*

Anyhoo, I got the soc psy test back today and thank God I passed. My marks are nothing to jump about but hell, I thought I'd get a negative mark like -1 or something. :p

Everybody else has gotten their web gra test results back 'cept me. :( But it's okay because I'm pretty sure I'll fail. Me being extremely useless at dreamweaver and all.

A conversation with Kesh this morning just a little before 2 a.m.

when rhythm & love collide // SHUT UP LAH BITCH. says:
dunno why [I can't see my grades yet]

when rhythm & love collide // SHUT UP LAH BITCH. says:
IS HE TRYING TO SPARE ME COS I FAILED?

when rhythm & love collide // SHUT UP LAH BITCH. says:
OH NOOO. ILL FAIL THE MODULE. FAIL THE ENTIRE SEMESTER.

× girl lips &boy hips ; says:
DONT BE SILLY LAHHHH

when rhythm & love collide // SHUT UP LAH BITCH. says:
BE KICKED OUT OF MASS COMM.

when rhythm & love collide // SHUT UP LAH BITCH. says:
ILL HAVE TO GET A JOB.

when rhythm & love collide // SHUT UP LAH BITCH. says:
MORTGAGE THE HOUSE.

when rhythm & love collide // SHUT UP LAH BITCH. says:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

when rhythm & love collide // SHUT UP LAH BITCH. says:
heh.

× girl lips &boy hips ; says:
drama mama !!! haha.

*frets* It'll be even more embarassing if I fail since the whole world and its mother seems to getting As for web gra. *shrivels up into a ball and dies*

Heh. It's 2.10 a.m. now. Most of my classmates are online. And all of them (like me) are rushing to complete the project. It's another sleepless night for T106. So what else is new?

2004-09-27T18:19:00.000+03:00

On a much lighter note:

Thanks Kesh and Serene for the compliments. Thank you Maria for being such a sweetheart.

And once again, we're swamped with assignments (surprise, surprise).

Wednesday: IAC report & Presentation
Friday: Marketing Final Report (20 pages)

Next week:

Thursday: Writcomm Magazine Proposal
Friday: 3 Minute Capsule for Radio

Week after that:

Principles of Marketing Exam

And then we're done with semester 1! Congratulations to us for surviving written communications, web c graph, principles of marketing, radio production and social psychology.

I heart my class (oh well, most of them anyway).

2004-09-27T18:10:00.000+03:00

Dear C,
I loathe you with every nerve in my body screaming for your head to be severed and served on a platter. I now know better than to trust anything you say. And I hope I never get you in any of my groups again.

I won't list your bad points, otherwise I'll be here all day. But seriously, "I'm your ass and everything that comes out of you is shit"? Puh-lease. I think at the end of the day, my shit would still be superior to yours.

And yes, resorting to such lame-ass retorts clearly shows the maturity you possess at the age of eighteen doesn't it?

Sincerely:
-N

2004-09-24T19:05:00.001+03:00

I gave him a chance and agreed to have a talk with him, monday night. I wouldn't even reply to his smses then because I was carrying so much emotional baggage (getting over the ex, family problems, mass comm, etc.). I'm glad I did because it's been so long since I actually talked to a guy on the phone. And even though he did come on stronger than body odour, at least I know we both share a similar, if rather warped, sense of humour. Hurhur.

And call me crazy, but I think I am madly in like Mr Harvey. Especially when he laughed (really loudly!) at my blob-with-prostitute-legs flash animation. I love his Australian drawl and sarcasm. If I have to fight Ming Shan tooth and nail for him, by jolly, I will! Hmph.

Riiight. So we were almost driven mad by boredom today. But we finally decided to go shopping at bugis. Thank you Maria for being such a patient girlfriend and for helping me pick the skirt. I love it! It's so pretty! And pink! Though I still don't see what is wrong with wearing black all the time (why can't I love black the way charmie loves pink, huh?), I still appreciate your concern. And I love you just like a fat kid loves cake.

Am sick of this layout. New one coming up soon!

2004-09-24T19:05:00.000+03:00

2004-09-14T16:51:00.000+03:00

Assignments due this week:

Monday: 1,200 word informative essay on domestic violence.
Wednesday: CATS synopsis.
IAC survey questions.
Thursday: Consultation with Mr R. for magazine proposal.
Friday: Radio sound effects story assignment.
Presentation of website [which I haven't done].
Principles of Marketing Template 5.
Principles of Marketing Test.

I'm in hell.

2004-09-12T16:51:00.000+03:00

I'm happy today.

No, not because my mom came back. But because I just realised that I've gotten over him. I don't think about him and wish that we were back together. I don't reminisce about the happy times we had (not much, anyway. heh) and more importantly, I don't want to marry him or have his children anymore!

So this is why I'm deleting his name off my blog. I can't deny I loved him but he's a part of my past and right now, I'm looking forward to the future.

I'm so happy, I wanna hug someone!

Ooh, I wanna go clubbin! I haven't felt good about myself in a very long time and I desperately need a break. So yes, I may not have a boyfriend. But at this point of time, a boyfriend is the last thing I need. Can you believe we have 5 bloody deadlines this week? ARGH. *tears hair out*

And yeah, I'm done with writcomm! Nah nee nah nee poo poo.

2004-09-08T15:30:00.000+03:00

Ohmygod. I'm almost done with my writcomm. This is not happening! My deadline is on monday! How can I be almost done? I'm like, the world's biggest procrastinator! The normal Nadiah would have just started writing on Sunday evening.

As you can probably tell by now, I hardly have a social life anymore and it is turning me into a NERD. Nad the nerd. Whoopee. And I have a terrible confession to make: I can't be bothered about how I look like anymore that sometimes, I even *whispers* go to school without makeup. *hears collective gasps of horror* I KNOW! I'M HORRIBLE!

I am giving a bad name to mass commers everywhere. In fact, I should just throw in the towel and go to engineering. Nobody ever notices engineering kids because everybody there has about as much personality as a potato. I'll just fade into the background and go to school in tshirts and shorts. Also, I'll need to be as invisible as I can right now. A pimple has perched itself at the edge of my nose and it is disgusting. I look like I'm growing another nose or something. Gawd.

And here's even more proof that I need help: I stalked a cute guy from school today. I sat directly behind him and stared at the back of his head throughout the whole bus ride.

I think I'll call him cutebusnumber154guy.

I don't know which course he's from. I don't even know his name. But I do know he takes bus no 154 and stops at Jalan Wangi somewhere in MacPherson. He has three strands of white hair. A Nokia N-Gage. And his neck is about the width of my hand.

And I could just feel a connection between us. I could tell that we're fated to be together.

NOT.

I need help. Really, I do.

2004-09-07T04:50:00.000+03:00

Mummy's gone off to Mauritius with her boyfriend for an entire week!

Great. What a time to not have a boyfriend. I could have like, not even come home if I wanted to but nooo, I had to be single now. I can't even rebel for the sake of being rebellious because there's no one to be rebellious with. And then, if/when I finally do find a boyfriend, I'll be swamped with assignments and left with little time for anyone. BOLLOCKS LAR. FATE IS SUCH A BITCH.

On a happier note: Congratulations and Celebrations! We got an A+ for Soc Psy! I heart yoo Yihan. So what if your reputation is now in shambles and that you can never look at people the same way? Your fluttering hand dance won us that A+ ! I bet you ah, not even Wade Robson can do that! So it's not all in vain, is it hun? Later I buy you McDonalds 25 cent ice cream okay? :D

Okay, better stop procrastinating and get back to work. A principles of marketing template by this friday, an informative essay about domestic violence replete with research cards and in-text citations by monday, the CATS skit by wednesday and an entire FUNCTIONAL website by next friday? Mamma mia, the work never ends here.

2004-09-04T18:11:00.000+03:00

I know the webcgraph test was supposed to be easy and the instructions idiot-proof, but I messed up real bad. Adrian Harvey is a real angel for not killing me and hiding my body in one of those huge computers.

Yeah, I know. I have html knowledge and everything but I hate dreamweaver so damn much. And at the end of the test, I found out I'd placed my file wrongly. So I don't even know whether my images will turn out right. BAH.

And I'm particularly heartbroken that I cannot be together with Mr Yoka anymore. Radio will never be the same for me again.

Is it exhaustion? I find that recently, I've been lacking the drive and motivation to give everything my hundred and ten percent. Please tell me I'm not alone.

2004-08-31T06:29:00.000+03:00

An update on the sickness:
No more fever, but I am very nauseous, seem to be breaking out in rashes and am conscious of every smell that wafts past my hyperactive nose. Last night's tom yam smelt like a week's worth of dirty socks to me thus, my siblings devoured everything like the greedy goats they are.

I don't know what in my mad brain made me agree to help my mom out at the office. Her assistant is sick so she called me and asked me to come over and help her do simple things like picking up the phone and shredding paper (again! You'd think she'd think I was capable of better things.) But I think she kinda regrets it now because I'm about as useful and productive as an 80 year old.

So, Evelyn's class has Mr Yoka for Radio? NEH NEH LAR! He's so nice and sweet tempered. My sister says Mr Yoka looks like an Indian Sex God. With spicy armpits. Don't ask me what that means. I imagine it has something to do with rubbing curry powder on your underarms or something. And he looks like Robi Draco Rosa without the big hair. (What do you think he hides in it? I have this theory that he is Mojo Jojo in disguise, who, with help from Beijing 101, managed to cultivate enough hair to comb over his huge, exposed brain. )

There's nothing to look forward to when I return to school. Boo hoo hoo.

2004-08-27T13:46:00.000+03:00

So. I've got a fever of 39.7 degrees. Doctor says its a stomach virus.

My head feels like its expanding and I'm so delirious, I'm fascinated by the stupidest things like my wind chime (?).Itsgoingroundandroundandroundandroundandround.

I'm blogging now while my meds gives me temporary relief from crazydom.

Did anybody catch Sg Idol? Despite my state, I remember being extremely pissed off by David De Cruz and his overactive eyebrows. I had to stifle the urge to staple them down to his face.

I missed the webgraph test. Mom wanted me to go but I couldn't even walk unaided. In the end, she relented and let me sleep from 10 am to 4 pm. Hurhur.

Gtg now. Excuse the sms language - something I usually never use but I cant really focus on the keyboard.

Sorry Maria, Fiona and Syed for making u guys postpone the soc psy project. I'll try to get better as soon as I can.

2004-08-24T17:57:00.000+03:00

I feel like such a downright bitch. I have such awesome friends and I haven't realised my pms-sey moods have been affecting them so much. Maria and Yihan sent me the above cards in an attempt to cheer me up. I almost cried. Can you believe what sweethearts they are? *bighugs*

I'M SORRY.Really, I am.

So, thank you T106 for the well wishes. I couldn't have asked for a better bunch of friends.

2004-08-20T19:27:00.000+03:00

Now would be an extremely dangerous time to incur my wrath so if you haven't anything good, substantial or important to say, don't bother saying it all.

2004-08-20T17:07:00.000+03:00

What you see, ladies and gentlemen, is an unedited picture of me during the FMS Party. See the oily face and eyebags? THIS IS WHAT MASS COMM DOES TO YOU.

Now tell me you still aspire to be a mass commer.

2004-08-16T17:17:00.000+03:00

This isn't going to be a pretty entry so skip it if you're in a good mood.

I met Pa today at his shop. It's not easy to live in a broken family. I don't know why adults delude themselves by saying "It's for the better". It's not. Nothing is better. It's amazing how they can still fight so much despite not living together. Sometimes I think they shouldn't even have gotten married at all. The three of us wouldn't have been born but at least we wouldn't have to put up with this shit.

I don't want to be mature and worry about their problems. Because honestly, I'm sick and tired of being involved. As selfish as this may sound, I don't want to care about anything right now. All I want to do is curl up into a ball and die or just disappear for a long, long time. Perhaps I'm a coward for not wanting to face my problems but you try shouldering my burden and see how long you can tolerate it.

I badly need to cry.

2004-08-11T13:26:00.000+03:00

On a more serious note:
This entry is for my 13 year old brother, Hakim, who is in hospital right now undergoing many blood tests. It's just been confirmed that he has dengue fever. Stay strong okay, kim-o? I don't know what I'd do if anything happens to you.

Kak Nad loves you very very very very very very much.

SPOOF PROOF

2004-08-10T19:35:00.000+03:00

We went to Plaza Singapura today to watch I, Robot. Surprisingly, it was a very good movie. Much better than The Village in my opinion. Anyway, we somehow had this crazy idea to go pose with the movie posters. Scroll down to see how we made fools of ourselves.

Us racing neck to neck.

Me intent on winning. Check out the frown.

Imitating Batman's stiff thumbs up.

Mean Girls. Guess which of The Plastics I'm supposed to be? Yeah. The Booby One. And see how sexy Maria is. Whee!

Yihan looking like the lost Tom Hanks from The Terminal.

Attempting to copy Gorgeous Nicole Kidman and failing miserably. Hurhur. Bloody hell, the flash function wasn't enabled when Jon took this picture. Could I look any more sunburnt?

Yihan donned Sureya's glasses for this one. Methinks he looks more like Harry Potter than Johnny Depp.

Man of Fire. Doesn't Jonny boy look so good in my sunglasses?

Anaconda. Its like one of those pictures you see on ghost websites where a hand which doesnt belong to anyone mysteriously appears.

Maria + porn-star-cum-schoolgirl-skirt + attempt to imitate Halle Berry in Catwoman = Pu**ywoman! Hurhur. Here kitty, kitty, kitty...

Yihan and Jonathan battle it out with handphones in The Bourne Supremacy.

And Last But Not Least!

We wrapped Yihan in my red shawl for this picture. Wahahahahaha! Suffice to say, he got alot of weird stares from passer-bys. But hey, this is just more proof (other than the fluttering hands) that Yihan is in touch with his feminine side. *laughs hysterically*

*wipes tears from eyes* I hope you guys find this funny 'cause I sure as hell did. Hahahahahaha!

2004-08-08T19:11:00.000+03:00

At four a.m. this morning:

Maria: Okay, I is go sleep now.
Nadiah: Yes, you is go sleep now.
Nadiah: Hahahaha.
Maria: I is panda! *roars*
Nadiah: I is jane!!! *roars back*

Hahahaha! Such silliness. Where else but in mass comm can you find people with the same twisted sense of humour as you? If I had gone to any other course and said that someone had "happy boobs", I'd be met with a blank stare and labelled "mentally incompetent" forever.

To T106: It's been a pretty shitty week for all of us but we've all pulled through. (Yipperdeedoodahdey!)And though heated words have been exchanged, let's just forgive and forget everything and blame it on the pressure placed on us throughout the week.

We're at an all-time low and I think what everybody needs right now is a hug. :D

2004-08-07T22:01:00.000+03:00

Pride is a good thing. Pride ensures that I never succumb or allow him to re-enter my life. Because there are times when I miss him so much, running back to him seems like the only way to end it.

2004-08-06T15:18:00.000+03:00

It's funny how your self-perception and ego can shatter with a single comment.

Maybe you were trying to be funny. Maybe you never realised the impact of your words. Maybe you didn't realise how much I was hurt.

But I was.

Oh bloody fuck. I'm just so pms-sey nowadays I wanna slap myself.

[edit] Thanks again Joline, for listening so patiently to me while I cried. Not many people have the patience. muchlove.[/edit]

2004-08-04T19:41:00.000+03:00

It just makes my day that after all the tears and hurt you've caused me, I can still get over you whereas you, my pitiful boy, are now trying to weasel your way back into my life.

Go back to that skank of yours.

2004-08-03T04:28:00.000+03:00

The class of T106 had an office wear theme yesterday. The boys dressed like retrenched workers (how's that for creativite, ey?)while the girls came dressed looking professionals. Maria in purple(the executive), me in black (the teacher/discipline mistress), Ming in green (the tour guide) & Fiona in black & grey (the lawyer)

A dejected looking Yihan. He's so poor he even has to tape his shoes with scotchtape and rubber bands just to keep them together.

Calvin's trying to catch a few winks in the library. He got thrown out of the house after being declared a bankrupt.

WE NEED JOBS!

Happy Jon! He's just gotten a job as an accountant.

The three divas - the teacher, the executive and the lawyer.

The very satisfied and happy looking me(right), the VERYBEAUTIFUL anne(left), and... err... umm... syed(center).

Me and the so preeeeetty Maria.

The boys pointing at something, Syed doing god-knows-what (just look at him!! what in the name of hell is he doing??)and the girls peering into my freshwaterwell. Damnit, its not that big! You'd think they didnt have booblies of their own. 0_o

Sighs. I love my mad class with a newfound madness.

2004-08-02T17:24:00.000+03:00

New layout! All finished in less than 3 days too. Woot! Had to change it because I was so sick of the dull colours of the previous drew barrymore layout. This one is so white, it reminds me of a mental asylum.

I'll blog and post pictures tomorrow when I'm not too tired.

Psst, Ming kissed me today. Aww. I heart Ming. <3

2004-07-30T20:02:00.000+03:00

Just came back from the school's hopnite.

Was quite surprised to see Eileen Wee (yes, of "Excuse me, are you an actress" fame) as the host today. I wonder if she'd recognise me if I approached her and said "Hi Eileen, you might not know me but I'm your neighbour, the one who lives on the ground floor right below you. The one whose garden you let your dogs poo on and don't bother cleaning up after. Why should you anyway? We're only a Muslim household and we're after all, only forbidden to touch them."

Skank.

I'd been looking for people to accompany me to the hop night but nobody really wanted to go. Everybody was really dressed to the nines and we were all bloody slack and looking damn out of place. The Mr and Miss Ngee Ann pageant was really boring. Sarah won and at least she's pretty. Her partner was also the most eloquent out of the lot. One Mr Ngee Ann finalist said he was from "flim, sound and weeleo". *cringes*

Met Gwen, Keshia, Elizabeth and Charlie after that for the disco.Finally got to meet Mr Purple Hair aka Charlie though his hair seems more brown now. :/ Watching them dance made me pine for a man of my own. They're just so comfortable dancing with each other that the slightest movement seems as if it were choreographed. *sighs wistfully* Okok, lets move on before the emotions start spilling forth.

We danced like fiends today. Even Yihan the kanchong man loosened up and joined us for most of the songs. Maria was still too shy though so we all huddled around her and danced which gave her no choice but to dance as well. Haha. Success!

I'm still pissed because I'm not doing as well as I should. Granted, I am swamped with homework but so is everyone else and they're still doing better than me. Bah.

Mass Commers lead a glamorous and stress-free life? Hah, I wish.

2004-07-27T16:29:00.000+03:00

PMS alert.

The long lunch breaks we have are making me really fat. You'd think that all the walking and climbing up those stupid hills would make me shed some weight but all it does is make my calves bigger - like a man's. I look like a bloody monster, I tell you.

And I hate the way songs are spoilt when everybody puts them on their blogs in a futile attempt to look cool.

I'm drained - both physically & emotionally.

PMS alert.

2004-07-23T19:36:00.000+03:00

Please don't ask me for patience and sympathy when I am as miserable as you are.

2004-07-22T18:49:00.000+03:00

" She can't love you like I can,
She can't touch you like I do,
& there's no way her love's as good as mine. "
-Destiny's Child "She can't love you"

I have Yoka tomorrow. Whee!

Went home at nine today because of the prnmarketing project. Stayed till 7 in the library then went to MacDonalds. MatJona waited for my bus to come before leaving which was rather sweet because he had to miss 2 buses. Peace, brudder.

Must start studying. It'd be a lie if I didn't admit that I often feel rather inadequate when compared to everyone else in class.

2004-07-21T15:57:00.000+03:00

"Is there a cure among us,
From this processed sanity"
- Collective soul "Run"

All it took was one glance.

One glance to dash my resolve. One glance to humble me. One glance to shatter me again.

I bumped into her at Tampines Mall just now. No, she wasn't with him or anything but the pain from the whole episode suddenly came flooding back to me.

How deluded I've been.

I'd been working so hard to just numb myself to the pain. I almost convinced myself it was working too. The tears and loneliness only came at night. I don't think anyone knew about them, really.

It just hurts so much. I thought I'd gotten over this and it turns out I haven't. I can't immerse myself in school work and pretend everything's alright. And even though, I am so so sick of seeing myself cry, I've realised that I'm not as invincible as I thought I was.

But thank you Joline, for being there for me again. I love you more than anyone could ever imagine.

2004-07-20T06:14:00.000+03:00

" Speak softly love and hold me warm against your heart
I feel your words, the tender trembling moments start
We're in a world, our very own
Sharing a love that only few have ever known

Wine colored days, warmed by the sun,
Deep velvet nights, when we are one."
- Andy Williams "Speak softly love"

Thank you Keshia for rekindling my love for that song. :) By the way, Andy Williams is coming to Singapore. Gimme a holler if any of you wanna go.

So blogger has a colour-changing font feature? I'm not so thrilled about it though. I foresee 14 year old lians going "WhEe, i gOt cOlOuR CoLoUr LiAoZ... HeEz... BeRi fUn LeHz... =PpPpP"

Hahahahaha. I shouldn't be so mean actually. *shamefacedly* I was guilty of the exact same thing not too many years ago. Lalalalala.

2004-07-19T17:12:00.000+03:00

Too tired to blog.

But I just wanna say that I'm really sorry for your loss, Serene. Just be strong kay and remember that all of us are here should you need anything. Many mwahs. Weloveyouverymuch.

[edit] Evelyn, your bloody tagboard isn't working so the only way to reach you is here. Just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel, me coming from a broken family and all. Don't fret, dearest. Things will eventually start to look up. Holler if you need anything kays?[/edit]

2004-07-16T21:16:00.000+03:00

"Every time I lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you ?
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me? "

- 3 days grace "I hate everything about you"

Reading your blog entries makes me want to laugh - at you and at the naive girl I once was.

2004-07-15T15:09:00.000+03:00

"You think it's all roses till the projects start piling up and everybody starts backstabbing each other"

Ever the optimistic, my sister.

But really, I don't have any complaints about my new tutorial group. Oh alright, maybe I'm not so happy with the fact that everybody is effing skinnier than I am but other than that, I'm in bliss. We've already given each other nicknames like how YiHan Chong is now known as The Kanchong Man. Jonathan can be called Jo-nathan (as in S R Nathan) or Mat Jona. Mine's Na-di-ah, pronounced na-die-ah.

We're a talented bunch, we are. We composed a song during social psychology today to the tune of "Hey Ya" by Outkast. Val, ZiXin and I sang and even had coordinated dance steps a la the supremes while Jonathan (Mat Jona!) and Syed rapped. And we tied first place with Evelyn's team who sang "The Pretty Handsome Song" to the tune of Monty Python's "So Happy Together".

Okay, pushing all dirty thoughts aside (as if I could), I was picked up by a guy yesterday. I was adjusting my skirt when he turned around and said "You look gorgeous."

And what did the oh-so-elegant Nadiah do?

She replied "Hah?" in a really nyonya-haggling-at-wet-market kind of voice. Smooth. Very smooth, nad.

And even though the guy wasn't really her type, she gave him her number anyway because she knew that she couldn't go on waiting forever for the browneyedboy.

Methinks it's the first step to finally getting over him.

[edit] I had to change my entry today after I read Benita's entry about how our lecturers were reading our blogs. Oh god, if any of them read mine, I'll just die.[/edit]

2004-07-13T06:13:00.000+03:00

Why is it that you're making me feel like I owe you an apology when you are clearly the one at fault? Why are you ignoring me when you know I can't wait for the day to end just so I can receive your sms at night?

Why did you ask me to come back to you if all you were going to do was break my heart?

I still love you. Probably more than anyone ever will or ever could.

And instead of remembering our endless arguments and the umpteen times we've broken up and patched, why can't you remember the times where we sneaked kisses in empty classrooms? How it feels to wake up in the morning and the first person that comes into mind is the other. How complete we felt everytime we fell asleep in each others' arms.

It's little things like these which make me want to cling tightly onto what's left of our relationship. But I know my pride (and denise) won't let me.

So here's laying what we had to rest. I can't deny that somewhere in this mangled heart, I'll still hold a flame for you.

Take care of yourself now that I can't be there to do so any longer.

2004-07-11T08:27:00.000+03:00

Chin Tuan posing with my bear & card.

I shouldn't forget about my new classmates. Despite only knowing each other for about 2 weeks, they bought me a card which they secretly signed in class, got me a teddy bear and even sang me a birthday song in class! How sweet is that?

Mass Commies are evil and manipulative? Says who?

2004-07-11T08:01:00.000+03:00

At the end of the day, all one needs are friends by her side.

The gang brought me out to celebrate my birthday last night. We went to the esplanade where they bought me a birthday cake and even sang me a birthday song.

My birthday cake (it's called 'opposites attract') & the live band playing at the esplanade.

Got a luvverly bracelet from Joline and a hu-uge bottle of perfume from Leslie aka thebeehoonman. And Joline, I do love the bracelet in case you thought otherwise, okay?

Joline - one of the few reasons I am still making it to the end of each day.

Yesterday was quite comical really. They'd apologise profusely everytime they accidentally mentioned his name. But honestly, last night was the only time since the break up that I actually felt confident enough that I'd live through this.

So thanks guys, for a wonderful night. And for being even more wonderful friends.

2004-07-02T14:51:00.000+03:00

I am so bloody miserable.

Now is really the worst possible time for me to start school. What with all the problems I have to tackle right now. *sighs heavily*

I tend to tear at how every little thing reminds me of him. I cried when I heard Eminem's Superman because it was our song. Yes, I know it's not exactly a couple song but it was when we were singing it together in class that I finally realised how we felt about each other. And he told me he was impressed that I knew the lyrics 'cos it was relatively unknown then. Oh God, I'm tearing again.

And now that I'm in mass comm, I just feel so inferior. So lackluster. Everyone's thinner. Everyone's got way better clothes. And to top it off, everyone's even smarter than I am. When we were discussing feminism and its effects in writcomm, people were giving brilliant ideas which I couldn't have thought up of in a million years.

There's nothing to look forward to.

Lackluster

2004-07-01T13:54:00.000+03:00

I can't deny that the pain isn't there. But thank God, I have school to keep me preoccupied. At least it keeps me busy even if it doesn't exactly make me feel any better.

The pain only came when I was alone on the bus today. Thank God, I managed to get a grip otherwise I'd have made a blubbering fool of myself.

We had written communication and social psychology today and it'd be a lie if I didn't admit that I often feel incompetent amongst my peers.

Everything around me just seems to add on to the destruction of my already fragile ego. First the incident on sunday, then the ticking off from aunt sally, then my new course, then him.

I know I'll get through this someday. I know its all for the better. But right now, it seems as if there really is nothing to look forward to anymore.

We celebrated Mom's birthday today. She told us she'd bring us for seafood this saturday to celebrate both our birthdays and that after our dinner, we could go anywhere we want. Normally, I'd be ecstatic. Today, I told her that all I wanted to do was go home.

I have a feeling this is going to be the worst birthday ever.

2004-06-30T15:08:00.000+03:00

He lied to me. He lied to me.

During the one time when I needed him most, he went out with another girl behind my back.

But why should I be surprised anyway? After all, she is a million times prettier and thinner than I am.

Don't get me wrong. This is not your classic case of girl-meets-bastard-who-doesnt-love-her-back. He did love me. Did love me. And he loved me during the time when I didn't love him back. But now that we both have each other, he does this. I'm just left wondering why.

I guess I've had my doubts about this relationship too. I always did suspect he wasn't as proud to admit that I was his girlfriend.

And what great timing. Right after a family member tried to kill herself/himself. Exactly on the day I start school. Exactly one week before my birthday.

I'm ashamed to say this but I love him so much, I want to beg him back. Thank God for Joline & Denise. I know they wouldnt let me disgrace myself to that extent.

The only thing I ever did wrong to you was loving you too much. I hope you're happier without me.

2004-06-29T06:35:00.000+03:00

Because my baby makes me so happy when I'm with him. And like all boys, they can't be depended on to keep still and take a picture properly. [And yes, he is in dire need of a haircut. And a shave come to think of it.]

Speaking of babies..

My 2 month old cousin. Cute or what?

2004-06-28T08:29:00.000+03:00

I am bursting with this need to suddenly scream my lungs out till they're hoarse. Being burdened with worry is the last thing I need especially when I'm just about to start school.

I missed school today because of this and today would have been my first day.

But it's okay. My sister says the first day in mass comm usually isn't hectic. Thank God, she's in the same course. At least I don't feel so alone.

I have so many issues. And no one to turn to.

2004-06-24T16:17:00.000+03:00

*groans* I'm soooo tired. But as tired as I am, I shall still blog about today's events even though I know that only Shazila will read this. Sighs.

Anyways, I just came back from my orientation at NP today. It was... errm... different. I came at 8.30 and got seated next to 2 of my ex primary schoolmates who are also in my class.

Then we had to go for the scavenger hunt and it was really weird. They made us kiss rocks, spell Ngee Ann Polytechnic with our butts, pass rubber bands on to other group mates using our mouths and worst of all; fake an orgasm in the middle of a crowded school hall, one by one.

How does one fake an orgasm? Think Sally in that [in]famous When Harry Met Sally restaurant scene. Yes, it's along the lines of oohaahaahoohyesyesyes.

Flying fuck.

But never mind, we shall move on and speak no more of this embarassing ordeal. Oh yes, my course also seems to be filled with pretty good-looking dudes if I do say so myself. Catch is; for every handsome guy there is, there are 3 more prettier girls.

How do I survive in a course where everybody looks like they just stepped out of a fashion shoot? How do I live with myself if everybody is half, no, a quarter of my size?!

*bangs head against wall repeatedly*

Is there any kind soul out there willing to sponsor me for a liposuction? *grins hopefully*

2004-06-23T05:59:00.000+03:00

Help.

I'm too fat to start school. I have little motivation to do anything other than watch cartoons and stuff my face with chocolates. And I'm obsessed with a man who is intent on showing me that he can live without me.

I used to be able to do that too. But I can't any longer.

I hate being in love but nothing compares to the feeling of waking up and realising that there's someone worth waking up for.

2004-06-22T16:47:00.000+03:00

I cried last night.

Two times, actually.

I cried when my whole family started screaming at each other over whether my father could come back to the house. We thought Mom was being too unreasonable when she said that even though he was our father, he did not have the authority to step into the house. But for once, instead of it just being my sister screaming at my mom, all of us supported her and we finally spoke what we really thought.

The consequences?

Mom was taken aback by the sudden revelations. She couldn't stop crying and cried well into this morning. I hate watching her cry. I know she works hard, I know it's difficult on her. And as much as I'd rather she not know the truth, I guess it will eventually surface someday.

I cried again when he told me that what he really wanted to do was go out with other girls as friends. Call me overlysensitiveoverlyprotectiveandwhathaveyou but I cringe at the thought of him going out with other girls, smiling at them or even touching them.

I'm still angry at a friend of ten years who dared to take a photo with him sitting on his lap. Many have told me that I haven't really much to be angry about because the girl has always been quite a wildchild and is open about masturbating, drinking and has no qualms about kissing her female classmates on the lips.

I don't like this green-eyed monster I've become either, believe you me. I know my anger isn't justified.

But would you rather have me deny what my heart says?

Origin

2004-06-21T08:18:00.000+03:00

After my absence of 2 months, I think I'm finally ready to venture back into the blogging world.

So why the name menina-doce?

After much brain-racking, two of my friends finally came up with this name. Menina doce is supposed to mean 'sweet girl' in portuguese. Oh well, it was the closest thing to caramelle anyway and I didn't quite fancy caramello.blogspot.com. because caramello makes me think of pomelos which makes me think of kedangdangs which makes me think of oily dengdeng. You get the idea.

Part of the reason why I stopped blogging was because I had lost interest in writing. I was going through a very difficult phase of my life [and thank god that's over].

I had also started to hate the way I was writing. I will never be as intelligent, as expressive or as sarcastic as some of my peers in mass comm. But all I can do right now is try.

[edit]My sister says menina-doce makes her think of a vaginal douce! [Or is it douche? Aiyah, it's that special soap intended to wash your vagina with lah.] Does it?! Oh dear god, please don't make me go back to the old drawing board. I don't want to change my url again.[/edit]